2019 was a rough year. It was strewn with relationship carnage. I said goodbye to three partners and my entire “polycule”, which was about 60 people and included a lot of friends. I filed a harassment order against an upstairs neighbor who was threatening me with violence. And I moved twice. Most painfully, I ended relationships with three immediate family members, both of my parents and my sister. I think I hit a breaking point. Enough was enough and it sort of all happened at once. I was tired of being taken for granted, walked on, not appreciated, abused.
The Winter Holidays of 2019 were searingly painful, numbing, and I almost didn’t make it through them. On New Years Eve 2019, my metamour from my last remaining partner gave me a one card tarot reading. While I don’t really believe in tarot readings, I have become fond of them as a tool for self-exploration and learning more about other people in group readings. That NYE night, I drew “the World”, which is basically the best tarot card I have ever heard of. It literally talks about Nirvana. Below is the card and the description.
“The World card in the tarot deck has a dancing figure at the center. The dancing figure on the card has one leg crossed over the other and holds a wand in either hand. She symbolizes balance and evolution in movement.
The green wreath of flowers that surrounds the central figure is a symbol of success, while the red ribbons that wrap around it are reminiscent of infinity.
To encounter the World in your cards is to encounter a great unity and wholeness. It symbolizes the moment when the inner and the outer worlds – self and other – become a single entity. In some traditions, this state is described as enlightenment, or nirvana. There is a recognition that the individual self is profoundly linked with all other things, and that we all dance and sway along the flow of life to one rhythm. Not only do you hear this rhythm, but you participate in it – following the dips and the rises, the joys and the sorrows.
The meaning of the World card is fulfillment, achievement, and completion. This shows that all the efforts that you have been putting in place are starting to pay off. It reflects that you have completed a major milestone in your life and you have built the resilience to withstand challenges. The World may indicate completion of a long-term project, study or any other major event in your life.
The World card shows that you have a desire to give back to the community in various ways. You have a commitment to make the world a better place because you understand that everything is connected.”
So then there was this global pandemic in 2020- you all may have heard about it- Coronavirus? Well, at first it seemed pretty incongruous with a tarot card about “nirvana”. But I actually think maybe there is some bittersweet correctness about all of this— me getting out of my little academic corner and out into the wider world, having a compulsion toward service in the best way I can be of use- helping people navigate the waters of this pandemic, connecting and reconnecting with friends and family around the world. I definitely have been following the dips and rises. And I do see how everything is connected especially with the news and “becoming purple” politically. I do feel aligned with what and where I am supposed to be maybe for the first time in my life. Who knew that place would be out of the ashes and into a pandemic and from a pandemic into the world.
So tonight I made a vision board. Except it’s not manifesting a future I want. It’s actually a vision of what is. It’s part memorial, part lessons learned, part feelings. I guess I am envisioning exactly what is and I’m sharing that with the world.
It also comes with a sound track- Philadelphia Mix https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0ktNxlVAOIv8699ssDbjnI?si=esGiFp5HQi-DnLRonxSd9g— I live in Philadelphia now, with a former partner and good friend. In a little bubble. For the present moment.
Happy Pandemic Friday.